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as much as i'm not in the mood to write, i really have nothing better to do, while i'm waiting for my show to come on.
i'm not really sure where i should start this off, so i guess i'll just dive right into it. one reason i developed this blogsite, is because i definitely need somewhere to vent. i'm not very good at expressing my feelings, in any other way besides writing; and even if i was, i have absolutely no body to vent to. i can honestly say, that i don't have a single person that i can call a true friend. it wasn't always like this. when i was younger, i used to have plenty of friends, i used to be what one would call "popular." as i transitioned through middle-school, and high school, that all changed.
during middle school, i believed that i had found the girl, that would be my best friend. that one best friend, that you never wanted to let go of. that one friend that you knew, you could always count on. i was wrong. once middle school ended, it slowly went downhill. we still talked frequently, almost every night, but we never seemed to get to hang out, despite the fact that she lives literally 5 minutes away. as of right now, today is july 28th, 2008. i have not seen this girl, since december, of 2007. not only does it hurt, that i never get to see her, but it also hurts, that it seems like, she really couldn't care less. i'm available most of the time, and as far as i'm concerned, if she truly cared, she would make more of an effort. she would care more about the fact that she never gets to see her so called "best friend." i miss her like crazy :(
setting her aside, in the beginning of my freshman year, i had felt like i finally found my place. i finally found a group of friends, that i could call my own. the 5 of us were pretty much inseparable. eventually, 2 members of our group, decided to call war on one another. it wound up 2 against 2, and me thrown directly in the middle. ever since this, i've never felt like i belonged ever since. i can't find a true friend for my life. i can't even find someone to just hang out with. i've hung out with one girl, 2 times this summer, and that's it. the rest of the time, i've been either at work, or at home. it was like one day, everyone i talked to, and was friends with, decided to up and ditch me, and i can't figure out why. i can honestly say that i'm one of the nicest people you'll ever come across. i do nothing, but try and make other people happy. i do nothing, but try and please others. doing this has turned me into a complete walking doormat, and people like to use me to no end.
due to this lack of companionship, i eventually turned to what we all know as cyberspace. myspace, chatrooms, forums. anything i could possibly get my hands on, to provide me with people to talk to, even though i knew it wasn't the same. i came across a few people that i really enjoyed talking to. eventually, they too decided to up, and ditch me. unfortunately, i grew to believe these people to be my friends. they were all i had, and i counted on them.
one in particular, really affected my life, wonderfully, and horribly. let's just call him john. i met john in a chat room, about 2-3 years ago. at first, we really hit it off. we talked pretty much several hours a night, even began to flirt a little bit. through out this time, as weird as you people may find it, i fell for him, hard. he was the only person, who could make me smile, when all i wanted to do was cry. he'd talk to me, he'd send me himself singing songs, it was so incredibly sweet. slowly, but surely, we started talking less and less. our conversations grew more awkward, and just uncomfortable. despite the fact that these conversations turned out to be lousy, saying hello to him, was the thing that got me up in the morning. i adored every single thing about him. I always had the feeling that he was talking to me out of pity, and i'm still pretty sure that, that's what was going on. i continued to fall for him, even harder, knowing i'd never have a chance with him, knowing that he didn't really care to talk to me. it was like, when i was a little girl, i always dreamed of my dream guy. the guy that would come and sweep me off my feet, and show me true love. he completely exceeded any qualities, and expectations that i could have ever dreamed of. now, we don't talk at all. i've tried contacting him many times, and he simply ignores me. it's safe to say, he's broken my heart. and no, not because he didn't return the feelings i've had for so long, but because, in my loneliness, he was the one person i thought cared, and it turns out he didn't, and now he won't even talk to me. i miss him.
i truely believe, that i don't have anyone to spend time with, because people aren't willing to give me a chance. i'm not trying to pat myself on the back, but i am honestly one of the nicest, kindest, most caring person you'd ever meet. however, while i have a shining personality, i'm not very pretty, and i'm overweight as well. it angers me, and hurts me so much, that people aren't willing to talk to me, or give me a chance, because i'm not "hot", and i'm not "sexy." i'm so sick and tired of feeling like the fat, ugly girl, who is never going to fall in love, and it be returned, because no guy wants a fat, ugly girl. i've tried, and am trying so hard to burn off this weight, but it doesn't seem to be working very well. i just want a week. or even a day, to be somebody else, to feel pretty, to have friends. i would give anything.
it's really hard, when i know i'm a good person. i have compassion for others, and i'll do anything to help someone that i can. my self esteem has been hit so badly, because i'm overweight, and because i'm not pretty. it sucks. and i hate that people are so judgemental, and jerks, to say the least.
don't get me wrong. while i don't have any friends, i do have my family. my parents, my brother and i are very close, and tight. we have our share of problems. both of my parents suffer from chronic pain, and it makes things so hard. they're unhappy, and i just cannot stand seeing them in pain all of the time, and i cannot stand watching them, so depressed. it's absolutely terrible when your family is hurting, and there's not a single thing you can do.
i'm just so sick and tired of being so lonely, and never wanting to wake up anymore.
it's draining.
i think i've said enough for tonight. i'm getting tired; gonna go watch my show now.
goodnight bloggers.
i'm not really sure where i should start this off, so i guess i'll just dive right into it. one reason i developed this blogsite, is because i definitely need somewhere to vent. i'm not very good at expressing my feelings, in any other way besides writing; and even if i was, i have absolutely no body to vent to. i can honestly say, that i don't have a single person that i can call a true friend. it wasn't always like this. when i was younger, i used to have plenty of friends, i used to be what one would call "popular." as i transitioned through middle-school, and high school, that all changed.
during middle school, i believed that i had found the girl, that would be my best friend. that one best friend, that you never wanted to let go of. that one friend that you knew, you could always count on. i was wrong. once middle school ended, it slowly went downhill. we still talked frequently, almost every night, but we never seemed to get to hang out, despite the fact that she lives literally 5 minutes away. as of right now, today is july 28th, 2008. i have not seen this girl, since december, of 2007. not only does it hurt, that i never get to see her, but it also hurts, that it seems like, she really couldn't care less. i'm available most of the time, and as far as i'm concerned, if she truly cared, she would make more of an effort. she would care more about the fact that she never gets to see her so called "best friend." i miss her like crazy :(
setting her aside, in the beginning of my freshman year, i had felt like i finally found my place. i finally found a group of friends, that i could call my own. the 5 of us were pretty much inseparable. eventually, 2 members of our group, decided to call war on one another. it wound up 2 against 2, and me thrown directly in the middle. ever since this, i've never felt like i belonged ever since. i can't find a true friend for my life. i can't even find someone to just hang out with. i've hung out with one girl, 2 times this summer, and that's it. the rest of the time, i've been either at work, or at home. it was like one day, everyone i talked to, and was friends with, decided to up and ditch me, and i can't figure out why. i can honestly say that i'm one of the nicest people you'll ever come across. i do nothing, but try and make other people happy. i do nothing, but try and please others. doing this has turned me into a complete walking doormat, and people like to use me to no end.
due to this lack of companionship, i eventually turned to what we all know as cyberspace. myspace, chatrooms, forums. anything i could possibly get my hands on, to provide me with people to talk to, even though i knew it wasn't the same. i came across a few people that i really enjoyed talking to. eventually, they too decided to up, and ditch me. unfortunately, i grew to believe these people to be my friends. they were all i had, and i counted on them.
one in particular, really affected my life, wonderfully, and horribly. let's just call him john. i met john in a chat room, about 2-3 years ago. at first, we really hit it off. we talked pretty much several hours a night, even began to flirt a little bit. through out this time, as weird as you people may find it, i fell for him, hard. he was the only person, who could make me smile, when all i wanted to do was cry. he'd talk to me, he'd send me himself singing songs, it was so incredibly sweet. slowly, but surely, we started talking less and less. our conversations grew more awkward, and just uncomfortable. despite the fact that these conversations turned out to be lousy, saying hello to him, was the thing that got me up in the morning. i adored every single thing about him. I always had the feeling that he was talking to me out of pity, and i'm still pretty sure that, that's what was going on. i continued to fall for him, even harder, knowing i'd never have a chance with him, knowing that he didn't really care to talk to me. it was like, when i was a little girl, i always dreamed of my dream guy. the guy that would come and sweep me off my feet, and show me true love. he completely exceeded any qualities, and expectations that i could have ever dreamed of. now, we don't talk at all. i've tried contacting him many times, and he simply ignores me. it's safe to say, he's broken my heart. and no, not because he didn't return the feelings i've had for so long, but because, in my loneliness, he was the one person i thought cared, and it turns out he didn't, and now he won't even talk to me. i miss him.
i truely believe, that i don't have anyone to spend time with, because people aren't willing to give me a chance. i'm not trying to pat myself on the back, but i am honestly one of the nicest, kindest, most caring person you'd ever meet. however, while i have a shining personality, i'm not very pretty, and i'm overweight as well. it angers me, and hurts me so much, that people aren't willing to talk to me, or give me a chance, because i'm not "hot", and i'm not "sexy." i'm so sick and tired of feeling like the fat, ugly girl, who is never going to fall in love, and it be returned, because no guy wants a fat, ugly girl. i've tried, and am trying so hard to burn off this weight, but it doesn't seem to be working very well. i just want a week. or even a day, to be somebody else, to feel pretty, to have friends. i would give anything.
it's really hard, when i know i'm a good person. i have compassion for others, and i'll do anything to help someone that i can. my self esteem has been hit so badly, because i'm overweight, and because i'm not pretty. it sucks. and i hate that people are so judgemental, and jerks, to say the least.
don't get me wrong. while i don't have any friends, i do have my family. my parents, my brother and i are very close, and tight. we have our share of problems. both of my parents suffer from chronic pain, and it makes things so hard. they're unhappy, and i just cannot stand seeing them in pain all of the time, and i cannot stand watching them, so depressed. it's absolutely terrible when your family is hurting, and there's not a single thing you can do.
i'm just so sick and tired of being so lonely, and never wanting to wake up anymore.
it's draining.
i think i've said enough for tonight. i'm getting tired; gonna go watch my show now.
goodnight bloggers.
depressed